You having empathy for her and still knowing that she couldn’t give empathy to you, is a beautiful form of self awareness I wish more people have. It took a lot of work the get there and I’m thankful that you can view her in this way! This brought so many memories of my grandmother and her relationship with my mom. Thank you for sharing!
Thank you so much Leah - for your kind words and recognising the work taken to get to this point. I so appreciate you taking to time to read more on my experience, to leave such an encouraging comment and for sharing the similarities within your own family. Hearing other others relate really does help me to feel less alone in my experience. Thank you 🙏🏾
Very cathartic, you needed to write this piece to help you heal, so sad you went through all of this, l wish I had known, you were not responsible for the death of your father!!
The part where you shared that you wished you were grown so you could earn your own money and not be a burden to her really resonated the most. Again, I commend how you can show her grace despite what she put you through. Like you said 'two things can be true at the same time' If you don't mind sharing how did you form loving and healthy relationships with partners and friends, as I struggle with this - to this day
Thank you. I think being able to show her grace comes with her passing. When she was alive, I’m not sure I’d be able to do that in the same way. I had a lot of anger, hurt and disbelief that she continued to be the way she was well into my adulthood. Now she’s not here, it gives me a different perspective. I’m conscious that my feelings may change over time as I’m very much still grieving, although it does feel good to let go of that anger and accept it all for what it was (on a ‘good’ day). That said, I will never forget my experiences with her and I’m still working through the lifelong impact her way has had on me; which brings me to your excellent question.
There is a lot I would like to share on this, which got me thinking that I’ll write a post on this in the near future. Thank you for the inspiration! I’ll try my best to give a short-ish answer, even though I’ve already written quite a bit!
[EDIT UPDATE: This turned out to not be short at all! I’m sorry! It’s pretty much a full article!]
Before I do share my thoughts on this, I’d like to say that your question resonates with me so much. This is something I have struggled with and is something I’m still learning to truly cultivate. If I'm honest, and I like to be honest, I firmly believe that I've had luck on my side when it comes to relationships, which probably sounds really annoying when you’re looking for some guidance. Within that though, I’ve realised a few things that may be helpful. I really hope they are anyway, let me explain a little more…
For me personally, the way my mum was with me, resulted in me becoming a people pleaser with no boundaries. I did that in an attempt to make my mum happy and to protect myself. I’ve come to learn that is one of the common trauma responses - to fawn. When it came to relationships of all kinds, I carried this same pattern of behaviour. I would be there doing whatever I felt was expected of me in order to be liked and to please others. Even when my gut feeling was saying “don’t trust this person”. Considering how much I found it hard to trust people, I'd go against that feeling in case my people-pleasing ways worked out well and everyone was happy in the end. That is how I formed early relationships. As time has passed, I’ve learnt the hard way that this is no way to form healthy relationships and it can also attract characters that no one should be friends with. However, within all this I’ve happened to make friends with people who I believe are genuine and as I've grown, started to create boundaries (once I learnt what those were) and slowly learn that I'm allowed to have my own opinion and say no (for example), those loving and supportive people have stayed by my side. It is these people that I think of when I say I've had luck on my side. Those who do not like that I'm no longer their muppet, have funnily enough disappeared. This is something however that I do struggle with and I am still learning how to recognise what I am like in relationships and what a healthy relationship looks like for me.
However, for children of narcissists, ‘to fawn’ is just one form of trauma response that can impact forming healthy and loving relationships. There are other trauma responses and many varying reasons why forming loving and healthy relationships is a challenge. While those reasons and responses may be different, I think there are some common factors (tips if you like) to consider when looking at how to form healthy and loving relationships. Purely from experience, and trial and error…
Know and love yourself.
Work on these things before looking at other relationships, without meaning to sound very cliché and cheesy. Those other relationships will flourish once you feel more connected with yourself and know who you are and what you like. You don’t need to have all the answers (I really don’t), but considering these things I find helps. I say this, because knowing yourself allows you to know more about the relationships you’d like to form with others. It will provide the foundations to setting boundaries and expectations you have of others; and you're allowed to have expectations and standards (I say this for my own inner child to hear!).
What does a healthy relationship look like to you?
I was seeking this without acknowledging with myself what I thought a healthy relationship was, especially as there were no examples of this around me when growing up. Being able to think about what a healthy and loving relationship looks like to me, helps as a reminder on keeping the bar high and realistic. (I really hope this is making some sense and is useful).
Trust your gut, and be brave to trust.
Narcissistic parents condition you to not trust yourself. Trust your gut and explore those feelings fully without being rushed. Whether that’s “I think they’re nice person” or “run for the hills!”. Never feel pressured to know or decide in the moment your feelings for someone, but allow yourself time to tune into their words and how they’ve made you feel (positive or less so). With that, trusting, after being hurt by people you’re meant to trust, can be terrifying. As long as you’re physically safe and have thought of those key values you expect from a relationship, and the other person is currently doing that, then be brave in being open to the relationship. Take it slow and steady, getting to know them in your own time, in your own way and importantly, always feeling at ease and comfortable. Although, being a little nervous is completely natural considering all the feelings and worries that come from having a narcissist in your life. Share what you feel comfortable with and have fun. Healthy relationships, I believe, shouldn't feel like hard work or make you doubt yourself. Spending time with another, romantic or as a friend, should be enjoyable - whether you are sharing something serious or light-hearted.
Speak to your inner child.
Forming new relationships or trying to strengthen existing ones, if that’s what you want, can trigger some painful memories. Allow yourself, if you're able to, to understand what it is that is coming up for you. That may be a clue as to what you feel is important in a relationship or what it is that you may be scared of. Comfort your inner child and reassure yourself that you can and deserve to have a life filled with loving and healthy relationships. You can do this and if something doesn’t feel right, you’re allowed to walk away.
Be open to love.
Without sounding cheesy again, be open to a loving relationship, which can be scary when you’ve been hurt by someone close. It can take time to heal, but if and when able to, be brave in being open to love (in a platonic or romantic way) and if things don't work out, do not let the narcissist voice enter your head - you will not be to blame, that is just how some relationships go and there will be lessons to take from that experience if that is the case. However, you wont know if you don’t try - in your own way.
I really hope this essay of a reply helps in some way and sorry if it reads as nonsense! I don’t have all the answers and I speak to a therapist most weeks, but I’m always happy to share my own experience if it helps. I sincerely hope this has.
Thank you Chloe, I have screenshotted this response. I appreciate that you have taken the time to write such a detailed message, it completely resonates. You hit the nail on the head - at this point I don't know what my dream relationship looks like. I just want to focus on making me happy and understand what that feels like.
I really appreciate you, thank you so much. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
You’re very welcome. I’m honestly so happy that my words have been helpful. I think it’s a wonderful idea to focus on what makes you happy and how that feels. Wishing you all the joy in the world ❤️ xx
You having empathy for her and still knowing that she couldn’t give empathy to you, is a beautiful form of self awareness I wish more people have. It took a lot of work the get there and I’m thankful that you can view her in this way! This brought so many memories of my grandmother and her relationship with my mom. Thank you for sharing!
Thank you so much Leah - for your kind words and recognising the work taken to get to this point. I so appreciate you taking to time to read more on my experience, to leave such an encouraging comment and for sharing the similarities within your own family. Hearing other others relate really does help me to feel less alone in my experience. Thank you 🙏🏾
*taking the time
Dear Chloe
Very cathartic, you needed to write this piece to help you heal, so sad you went through all of this, l wish I had known, you were not responsible for the death of your father!!
Aww thank you Jane xxx
The part where you shared that you wished you were grown so you could earn your own money and not be a burden to her really resonated the most. Again, I commend how you can show her grace despite what she put you through. Like you said 'two things can be true at the same time' If you don't mind sharing how did you form loving and healthy relationships with partners and friends, as I struggle with this - to this day
Thank you. I think being able to show her grace comes with her passing. When she was alive, I’m not sure I’d be able to do that in the same way. I had a lot of anger, hurt and disbelief that she continued to be the way she was well into my adulthood. Now she’s not here, it gives me a different perspective. I’m conscious that my feelings may change over time as I’m very much still grieving, although it does feel good to let go of that anger and accept it all for what it was (on a ‘good’ day). That said, I will never forget my experiences with her and I’m still working through the lifelong impact her way has had on me; which brings me to your excellent question.
There is a lot I would like to share on this, which got me thinking that I’ll write a post on this in the near future. Thank you for the inspiration! I’ll try my best to give a short-ish answer, even though I’ve already written quite a bit!
[EDIT UPDATE: This turned out to not be short at all! I’m sorry! It’s pretty much a full article!]
Before I do share my thoughts on this, I’d like to say that your question resonates with me so much. This is something I have struggled with and is something I’m still learning to truly cultivate. If I'm honest, and I like to be honest, I firmly believe that I've had luck on my side when it comes to relationships, which probably sounds really annoying when you’re looking for some guidance. Within that though, I’ve realised a few things that may be helpful. I really hope they are anyway, let me explain a little more…
For me personally, the way my mum was with me, resulted in me becoming a people pleaser with no boundaries. I did that in an attempt to make my mum happy and to protect myself. I’ve come to learn that is one of the common trauma responses - to fawn. When it came to relationships of all kinds, I carried this same pattern of behaviour. I would be there doing whatever I felt was expected of me in order to be liked and to please others. Even when my gut feeling was saying “don’t trust this person”. Considering how much I found it hard to trust people, I'd go against that feeling in case my people-pleasing ways worked out well and everyone was happy in the end. That is how I formed early relationships. As time has passed, I’ve learnt the hard way that this is no way to form healthy relationships and it can also attract characters that no one should be friends with. However, within all this I’ve happened to make friends with people who I believe are genuine and as I've grown, started to create boundaries (once I learnt what those were) and slowly learn that I'm allowed to have my own opinion and say no (for example), those loving and supportive people have stayed by my side. It is these people that I think of when I say I've had luck on my side. Those who do not like that I'm no longer their muppet, have funnily enough disappeared. This is something however that I do struggle with and I am still learning how to recognise what I am like in relationships and what a healthy relationship looks like for me.
However, for children of narcissists, ‘to fawn’ is just one form of trauma response that can impact forming healthy and loving relationships. There are other trauma responses and many varying reasons why forming loving and healthy relationships is a challenge. While those reasons and responses may be different, I think there are some common factors (tips if you like) to consider when looking at how to form healthy and loving relationships. Purely from experience, and trial and error…
Know and love yourself.
Work on these things before looking at other relationships, without meaning to sound very cliché and cheesy. Those other relationships will flourish once you feel more connected with yourself and know who you are and what you like. You don’t need to have all the answers (I really don’t), but considering these things I find helps. I say this, because knowing yourself allows you to know more about the relationships you’d like to form with others. It will provide the foundations to setting boundaries and expectations you have of others; and you're allowed to have expectations and standards (I say this for my own inner child to hear!).
What does a healthy relationship look like to you?
I was seeking this without acknowledging with myself what I thought a healthy relationship was, especially as there were no examples of this around me when growing up. Being able to think about what a healthy and loving relationship looks like to me, helps as a reminder on keeping the bar high and realistic. (I really hope this is making some sense and is useful).
Trust your gut, and be brave to trust.
Narcissistic parents condition you to not trust yourself. Trust your gut and explore those feelings fully without being rushed. Whether that’s “I think they’re nice person” or “run for the hills!”. Never feel pressured to know or decide in the moment your feelings for someone, but allow yourself time to tune into their words and how they’ve made you feel (positive or less so). With that, trusting, after being hurt by people you’re meant to trust, can be terrifying. As long as you’re physically safe and have thought of those key values you expect from a relationship, and the other person is currently doing that, then be brave in being open to the relationship. Take it slow and steady, getting to know them in your own time, in your own way and importantly, always feeling at ease and comfortable. Although, being a little nervous is completely natural considering all the feelings and worries that come from having a narcissist in your life. Share what you feel comfortable with and have fun. Healthy relationships, I believe, shouldn't feel like hard work or make you doubt yourself. Spending time with another, romantic or as a friend, should be enjoyable - whether you are sharing something serious or light-hearted.
Speak to your inner child.
Forming new relationships or trying to strengthen existing ones, if that’s what you want, can trigger some painful memories. Allow yourself, if you're able to, to understand what it is that is coming up for you. That may be a clue as to what you feel is important in a relationship or what it is that you may be scared of. Comfort your inner child and reassure yourself that you can and deserve to have a life filled with loving and healthy relationships. You can do this and if something doesn’t feel right, you’re allowed to walk away.
Be open to love.
Without sounding cheesy again, be open to a loving relationship, which can be scary when you’ve been hurt by someone close. It can take time to heal, but if and when able to, be brave in being open to love (in a platonic or romantic way) and if things don't work out, do not let the narcissist voice enter your head - you will not be to blame, that is just how some relationships go and there will be lessons to take from that experience if that is the case. However, you wont know if you don’t try - in your own way.
I really hope this essay of a reply helps in some way and sorry if it reads as nonsense! I don’t have all the answers and I speak to a therapist most weeks, but I’m always happy to share my own experience if it helps. I sincerely hope this has.
Chloe xx
Thank you Chloe, I have screenshotted this response. I appreciate that you have taken the time to write such a detailed message, it completely resonates. You hit the nail on the head - at this point I don't know what my dream relationship looks like. I just want to focus on making me happy and understand what that feels like.
I really appreciate you, thank you so much. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
You’re very welcome. I’m honestly so happy that my words have been helpful. I think it’s a wonderful idea to focus on what makes you happy and how that feels. Wishing you all the joy in the world ❤️ xx