Q&A: Part three

Surviving contact with a narcissist over the holidays.

The last gift I gave to my mum during the festive season.

For anyone who has a narcissist in their lives, the festive season can become daunting terrain, when it is expected or forced upon you to spend time with a person that causes you emotional and psychological distress. I hope within the words you’re about to read, you find a piece of guidance that allows you to feel better equipped and protected when spending time with a narcissist over the holidays.

Such advice can also be applied when dealing with anyone toxic, or as a way to protect your inner peace during what can feel like a very overwhelming time - even when there may also be lots around you that does bring joy.

Please remember, while I'm not a trained expert in relationships or mental health, I genuinely hope that the insights I've gained from my own experiences can offer you some helpful guidance.

Qu. Do you have any advice for surviving contact with a narcissist over the holidays?

I would strongly advise having a think about the boundaries you could put in place to protect yourself and your inner peace while in their company. For example, if you would like to or feel you have to see the narcissist in your life, can you keep this contact minimal? When having contact, could you have other people present with you for support or have very clear start and end times to that visit?

If you find yourself facing recurring verbal attacks from a narcissist in your life, have you considered how to respond in the moment? One effective communication style you might try is ‘grey’ or ‘yellow’ rocking, which involves sharing minimal information about your life (see article below). This approach can help reduce the ammunition a narcissist perceives to have against you. Additionally, you can encourage them to talk about themselves by asking questions, which can shift the focus away from you and limit the chances of verbal assaults.

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After time spent with a narcissist during the holidays, I'd also recommend doing something that brings you joy. I’d go further and urge you to make a ‘what brings me joy’ list as soon as you can and choose something from that list that you will do after contact with the narcissist. I’d recommend this as a way to pick yourself up after having contact. Whether a visit goes ‘well’ or not, any time spent with a narcissist can be draining.

What brings you joy: Examples could be…

• Listening to your favourite song.

• Having a long soak in the bath.

• Calling a friend for a chat (and a laugh).

• Going for a walk.

• Picking up a new book.

• Watching your favourite film.

• Journaling.

• Listening to an audiobook or podcast (this could be narcissistic related to help feel less alone in this experience, such as Navigating Narcissism with Dr Ramani or Unfollowing Mum by Harriet Shearsmith, or something completely separate - follow how you feel and what you need in the moment).

Depending on circumstances, you could look into booking yourself something exciting to do in the days after the contact. Such as…

• Lunch with a friend.

• Trip to the cinema.

• A massage.

• A festive event.

• Purchasing something you’ve had your eye on for a while (yes, get yourself a present).

• Literally anything that ticks the joy, fun and self-care box.

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You may also wish to create your own mantra or affirmation to remind yourself that you are enough. Remember, the hurtful words or actions of a narcissist do not define who you are. Here are a few affirmations you might like to embrace.

I really hope this advice helps and please know, you can use this space to share and vent as well. Whether it’s in the comment box below, through the subscriber chat or message me directly via the Substack app.

I hope the narcissist in your life is in good spirits when you have contact with them over the holidays, and I hope you get to see the side of them that you may love and like - minus any painful drama.

Thank you so much to everyone who sent me a question and for all your engagement with my words and experiences. As the year comes to an end, I just wanted to say a big thank you for supporting my Substack. You have lifted my spirits and created light in what has been a very dark year.

I wish you a very merry festive season and look forward to connecting with you over the holidays and in the New Year.

Lots of love,
Chloe x