Last month I invited you to ask me anything you’d like… and you did! Here are my answers to those burning questions of yours.
Has your mum’s house now been sold and how do you feel about it?
How do you have healthy relationships as an adult, when you didn’t as a child?
How did you get into freelance writing and is it your full time job?
How do you tell someone about their narcissistic parent and what are the best ways of going about it?
Do you have any advice for surviving contact with a narcissist over the holidays?
I loved every one of these great questions and I hope I have answered them in as much detail as you were hoping for. If you have any follow up questions, or have thought of some additional ones, please feel free to ask in the comment box below, via the Stories of Us subscriber chat or DM me via the Substack app.
Qu. Has your mum’s house now been sold and how do you feel about it?
Yes, my mum’s house has now been sold. From a practical perspective, I'm happy the sale went through smoothly and that the house is safe with a new family who are enjoying all it has to offer. The house sale makes me feel comforted that one of my mum’s wishes, to sell the house, has now been fulfilled. I’m also thankful that there is now a little less admin on my shoulders, or as a friend of mine recently highlighted ‘sadmin’.
However, it feels surreal that the house is no longer hers or under our care. That reality brings a new wave of sadness. I found items in her home that made me feel surprisingly happy, and others that brought back memories of times when she seemed happy - those moments didn’t seem to happen often and is perhaps why those memories brought on the most tears. The potential for happiness was there, but cloaked in darkness.
My mum loved turning her house into a space that was very much her. Saying goodbye to the house felt like another very tangible experience that signified that she is no longer here. Going through her belongings was incredibly difficult and the whole process was extremely upsetting and stressful. Overall however, I’m glad that part is now complete.
The memories we hold in the possessions we keep
I had planned to pivot a little this week and share my innermost thoughts on race, identity, heritage and culture. That was until the reality of ‘the next steps’ came into play with regard to the passing of my mum. That next step is selling the house she left behind. Sooner than expected, an offer was made on her house. As were her wishe…
Qu. How do you have healthy relationships as an adult, when you didn’t as a child?
For adult children of narcissists and for those who have experienced toxic relationships, I think the ability to create healthy relationships in adulthood comes with a big element of fear.
How do you form a healthy relationship or spot ‘red flags’ in a relationship (platonic or romantic), when your first and key relationships have been filled with people who have hurt you emotionally or physically? How do you trust people, when those closest to you have manipulated, lied or discredited you? How do you build a healthy relationship, when you’ve not had a healthy role model in that regard?
These are all questions and fears I've had myself and often still carry. So, while I have advice to share, please know that this is an area I'm still working on, despite having what I feel are several healthy relationships in my adult life.
If you have a narcissistic parent or have been in a relationship with someone who discredits your opinions and emotions, then I'm guessing along the way you’ve perhaps become distant from your own wants, needs and ability in trusting yourself. With this in mind, my first piece of advice is to develop a strong relationship with yourself and work on trusting your ‘gut feeling’.
What would be your advice to this question? Use the comment box below to share your thoughts.
I strongly believe that before we can seek and build healthy relationships, we must have a healthy, loving relationship with ourselves. Building on your feelings of self-worth and self-respect will help you to be your own best friend and not stand for anything other than what you deserve in your other, adult relationships. In case you need to hear it, you deserve kindness, love, respect… and all the things that are important to you.
I would also urge you to ask yourself - “what does a healthy relationship look like to me?”
Having a clear understanding of our values, what we seek in a relationship, and what we expect from a relationship, helps ensure alignment with what truly matters to us. It helps us to not accept anything outside of our values and to not lose ourselves in new or existing relationships.
When I first asked myself this question, I couldn’t answer it. I knew I wanted healthy relationships, but I felt stuck on what that meant. For me, grabbing a pen and paper and brainstorming what I wanted from a relationship was how I eventually realised what was important to me.
For me, feeling safe in a relationship is extremely important. Yes in a physical sense, but also in an emotional way. By that I mean that the other person would listen to my thoughts and feelings with respect, and would never use what I may have shared as a weapon against me or as a tool of manipulation. I wanted to be able to trust the other person with all my opinions and concerns, while being accepted. That didn’t and doesn’t mean that a someone must agree with me 100%, but rather that they’ve heard me and respected my position on whatever it may be. In writing down what a healthy relationship meant to me, I also jotted down…
Feeling loved, respected and protected.
Being accepted for me just the way I am.
A relationship with someone who also values kindness, respect, honesty and equality.
A relationship where the other person wants to spend time with me and makes the effort to connect, whether in person or through texts, calls, or social media messaging.
A relationship with a person I can talk deeply with, but also have fun with and talk nonsense to!
A relationship where the other person makes the same amount of effort in our relationship as I do.
A relationship where we are both equals.
A relationship where the other person wants the best for me and supports me.
A relationship where the other person doesn’t always think the worst of me and my intentions, and doesn’t mistake my good intentions for something negative.
A relationship where the other person understands me - they get me.
If you’re unable to answer this question, how will you know what values are important to you in a relationship? How will you know when someone’s behaviour is demonstrative of traits that you don’t want to surround yourself with?
Being able to answer this question, can also help inform you of the kinds of boundaries you may wish to keep in mind within all your relationships, to ensure that you prioritise your own needs as an individual and within the context of a relationship.
I believe all of these things will help guide you in seeking or attracting people that will truly support, accept and love you for you.
I truly hope the advice I’ve shared is helpful, but please keep in mind that I’m not a trained professional in relationships or mental health support.
Keep an eye out for my newsletter tomorrow and Sunday, where I’ll share more of my answers with you. A big thank you for submitting your questions and I hope you’ve enjoyed reading my replies.
Lots of love,
Chloe x
Finally able to catch up on these Q&A's! Did a great job Chloe! I am loving the lived advice 💕